The anxiety!

I often encounter one question more than anything, ‘When will my day come?’ This leaves me thinking for hours on end. Well for the longest time I have been waiting for the day of my life, a day when I shall also call my family and friends to tell them something that I am proud of myself. That happiness would be worthy of living a life waiting and striving through the difficult times. When I shall be able to do what I can only promise for future, when I could feel good about myself, when I shall earn the respect, when I shall be able to break all limits and do unprecedented feats for all who I love. I know that I have set upon myself an arduous task but that is what it is and there is no shit I could do anything about it for I have a firm belief that I shall do it sooner than later.             

Today one of my dear friend Sonal called me up and she was telling about a college where she got admission after putting in much efforts. She was happy and she was happier to tell me. Obviously it feels awesome. I am also very happy for her, I told her that also. But what have left me pondering for a while now that I also want to do something like that so that I could also one day call her and tell her or tell everybody I love for that matter. It’s been a while since I have been feeling good and happy about other’s happiness/success and waiting that someday I will also achieve success and feel accomplished. Every time they would call me and tell things. I would feel a bit nervous afterwards. Not that I was unhappy at their achievements I was very much happy and I made sure they knew it.

I feel bad about me lagging behind in the race of life and I feel the fear of losing those who have succeeded and gone ahead. I get this feeling more often than not that if you can’t keep pace up with friends and you lose them.  So see! I have been talking to Sonal lately and we have become better as friends. Now Sonal is moving ahead. She must. I always wanted that she do something she loves and excels at it. She is on pathways to live the life she sees for her the best. I know there is nothing that has changed from her side, nor it shall ever she is one great soul which she will always remain. What will change from now is that I would not get to talk much to her  and I will be ever more ‘Akela’. So that’s the other thing. I myself would feel a little awkward calling her when she would be excitedly telling me about her new life, how good life and people there is, I would be having nothing to tell her except my old same boring story that I so want to get rid of. Haris, Athira, Ashish, Prince have gone ahead of me and we seldom talk not that I don’t want to talk to them or they don’t feel so idk; it is just that I feel so strongly that I want to call them and tell them about my goddamn achievement. Now it’s Sonal. I think I am being tested and God wants me to give more than I have ever given.